i dreamt we were doing a ceremony
on the path of my first home, where
my father still lives, my stepfather
was in the kitchen cooking dinner
(makes sense, my mother-- who
designed the house architecturally
had an affair with him while we
twin babies were in the roost) she,
my mother was eating a bowl
of chocolate icecream and bbq
potato chips saying "i'm too old
for this kind of food" to which
i made an addendum, knowing
that was performance and not
her real feelings or praxis so to
speak
the ceremony was with my moon
church sisters and it was for my
restoration, though when i asked if
we could call in the four directions
in a "succinct way" i measured with
my hands, spaced the size of a small
bunny, two slivers marking "i will not
take up a lot of time" someone said
they were kind of tired, and i got the
feeling attention would fade, though
lyndsey's one of the first people who
taught me about ritual, always calling
in the directions to cast and ground
the circle didn't feel as rooted to me
though i went with their vibration
because i was hungry for love
everyone drew a card and some
sort of ornament which we were
reading into-- kat a white fleshy
pumpkin looking thing, it was
stuffed as were most of the others
and then i was thinking it was off
season, and how much could we
decipher from these ornaments
when we hadn't picked from
the full array?
in kat's reading hank williams
was one of my guides and i got
so excited by it, saying i had just
been listening to him, and would
love to all together-- it was sunny
in the afternoon let it be known,
no one was shivering
maddie or lyndsey had a stone
with a golden figure reclining
femme appearing against the
tiger's eye, as if made of mist
and then at that very moment
came showering down particles
of sparkling gold to which i
proclaimed, "it's gold dust
woman!" (is this the second
night in a row stevie nicks
has come to me in some
capacity?)
the thing is that the ceremony
got busted up, as i was afraid
it would, by my family
ultimately, though lyndsey
did leave to take a nap, my
mother and twin came in,
the circle no longer felt safe
too porous and where was
the earth we never honored
in our opening, supporting
us, yes, though the space
was open, my healing as
an intention felt nebulous
and unprotected i went
to look for a glass for wine
(kat was drinking rose
and it looked divine) and
the beautiful shallow dishes
were all out, i had to settle
for a small water glass on
my special day, crystal yet.
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