Outdoor Bleach

First I noticed how it feels

like I've been hit by a truck

I wonder if my mother cleaned so deeply

because it made her whole body ache

and maybe that made her feel

like she'd earned the pills she'd take

meanwhile I hesitate to take an Advil

after I've peeled myself 

from the comfort of a Sunday bed

in a house I hesitate to decorate

In a single weekend

I have given myself her hands

the piano fingers she passed down

now have the kind of cracks

you get in your knuckles

if you scrub something barehanded

when you should have been wearing gloves

My skin still smells like outdoor bleach

which might not be any different

from indoor bleach, I'm not sure

but no matter, it all smells the same

like the afternoon open swim

at the Tualatin Hills Aquatic Center

I bury my hands in my palms

and take a deep breath in

I am riding my bike with the boys

losing my baby teeth in chewy candy

in the hour between two open swims

I am standing with my toes curled 

at the edge of the diving platform

considering jumping in, afraid of being pushed