my latest ketamine infusion
(to save my brain & life)
brought the message:
boys= proof
girls= truth!
which i said out loud to
myself twice, intentionally
so that i wouldn't forget.
the point was, that my
attraction to men was
so deeply entangled in
the desire to be witnessed
as valid in their paradigm,
an impossibility because,
under patriarchal law,
i am not.
and so, mind, chemically
fed a delicious medicine
via iv tucked into vein
of my left hand see-sawed
to my attraction to "women"
(and me, constantly fighting
binaries, still) is more
authentic, because it isn't
fraught with such
a heavy hand.
my therapist knows
i struggle greatly with
the attraction to cis-men
i do possess, how to
understand it when it
comes, for years i've
denied it as somewhat
of a farce, bio-coaxing
lie, and in the times i've
followed its call, i seem
to come up for none.
as i call in a life partner,
not to open windows,
rather to god, though
this is nothing new it's
just hard for a quadruple
aries to lean into partner
ship when being alone
feels so aligned most
of the time, though i so
miss nestling into
another's warm earth
and also my twin
brother has the same
cosmology as me,
he with a baby
and a wife, i fulfilling
our independent
destiny, though i know
being with another does
not entirely mean a lack
of autonomy, and the
promise of comfort
and support is more
seductive than any
hard cock or soft touch
i end that part of my
drift, in the neon pink
lit doctor's office (my
choosing from the remote
control color index for
their mood lamp), the
phrase comes to me
"i really need to get
railed!" which i think
is funny, and which
will not happen tonight,
save for self-pleasure,
though a poem
is as penetrative on
soul-level as any other
digit, so please, consider
this my will to live
and call to love
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